sherlell: are you yoda?

I was just struck with a thought: what is the worst song on my computer? Every time I see one of those itunes meme things, people are all ashamed of what they listen to etc, so i thought, let's make a list of horrible crap.

I was then immediately struck with another thought: that's a blog entry if i've ever heard one! And here we are.

So here are some pretty awful songs that are on my computer...

2 Nu - This is Ponderous

I'm starting in my WLIR shrieks-of-the-week file, because there's some stuff in there I definitely don't like. This song is one of them... no singing per se, just this guy talking over some really lame synth effects. it's like these guys played with every stupid sound their new expensive keyboard could make. the only one missing is that frog thing you can hear in the otherwise great New Order track "Perfect Kiss."

Adam Ant - Puss n' Boots

Ok, generally speaking I like Adam Ant, but any song that starts w/ the sound of an ill sounding cat meowing is just not so hot.

Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas?

I don't need to explain this.

Bob & Doug McKenzie (and Geddy Lee) - Take Off

Ok, this song is intentionally bad, but bad it is, eh?

Bronski Beat - Hit That Perfect Beat

Possibly the gayest song since Liberace stopped recording.

Crazy Joe and the Variable Speed Band - Eugene

2 ginger ales for my girls!

The Cure- Hey You!!!

Ok, I really like the cure but what the hell. I think I am including this on the list for the 3 exclamation marks alone.

Dee Dee King - German Kid

a.k.a. The rap persona of Dee Dee Ramone. I think I might as well stop here. this is really just about as horrible as they get. really, if i have anything worse than this i will be amazed. this song is really, really bad. wow. oh my god i want to smash my head into the keyboard listening to this.

Duran Duran - Wild Boys

I've decided to limit myself to one Duran Duran song, and I'm picking this one. At first I thought it would be a tough call between Reflex and Union of the Snake, but this one is worse.

Electric Guitars - Wolfman Tap

“Man,” you were saying to yourself just the other day, “I wish someone would write a song about a tap-dancing werewolf.” Well my friend, have I got a song for you...

Erasure and Lene Lovich - Rage

A synthpop protest song about vegetarianism.

Meco - Star Wars (disco version)

and it's the first one not in the WLIR file. Really a crime against all humanity. i actually have a bunch of star wars techno remixes and etc, and they are all quite awful, but this one blows the hardest.

Napoleon XIV - They're Coming to Take Me Away

My dad used to sing this song for some reason. In the actual recording, the guy's voice gets progressively higher and higher and i find it rather frightening.

A*Teens - Take a Chance On Me

This is an Abba cover group in the mold of a european manufactured teen band like S Club 7. This is maybe the worst of their covers - it's really fast for no apparent reason.

Billy Joel - Time to Remember

Sappier than sap from a sap maple on the day before the great sap harvest of 1973.

B.J. Thomas - Hooked on a Feeling

This song is AWESOME for exactly 37 seconds, and then it becomes total crap.

Chris DeBurgh - The Lady in Red

Are you paying attention Vh1? This is what an awesomely bad song sounds like.

Go West - King of Wishful Thinking

Sort of sounds like Fine Young Cannibals, sort of sounds like, well, everything and nothing at the same time. Commercial dreck of the highest caliber... possibly written by Martin Page... and I'm right! Google Martin Page some time, he basically wrote every pop song in the history of the world.

Johnny Mathis - Brazil

Ah Napster... I remember fighting to download this song from someone, because I heard about 10 seconds and HAD to hear the rest. This has to be the most ridiculously over-produced version of this song ever. Johnny Mathis, what a tool. Sorry mom.

Kenny Loggins - Return to Pooh Corner

I like the Pooh books, and even the Disney cartoons, and I think that's why I downloaded this song. I think I actually liked it for a short period, and then came to my senses and realized it was complete shite.

Meatloaf - Life is a Lemon

mwahahahahahaha. when i was in junior high i thought this was what rock and roll anger sounded like.

Michael Jackson - Black or White

Surprisingly, even compared with all of Jacko's disco-inf(l)ected stuff, this has aged far worse. The production is more gimicky and sounds really dated.

New Order - Blue Monday (DMC Mix)

I was surprised to find that this mix is only 7:11, shorter than the regular 12" blue monday. It is just filled with all sorts of retarded little clips, starting with Thunderbirds, going through "there is nothing like a dame," cutting crew, a bunch of other random crap, and ends up with Bugs Bunny.

The Nylons - This Island Earth

What the hell is this, an eco-friendly song by some bad imitators of the Starlight Vocal Band?

OMD - Electricity

And people say that Falco is cheesy. C'mon.

Styx - Mr. Roboto

A friend of mine in college told me her sister did this in show choir, which is just perfect.

Thompson Twins - Don't Mess with Dr. Dream

Well this song is just a total mess.

Toto - Hold the Line

Fun Toto fact! John William's son Joe used to be their lead singer!

Was Not Was - Walk the Dinosaur

And in the file of songs I completely forgot existed... somewhere between Wang Chung and Kung-fu Fighting is this song, which includes the following lyric: “The sun was spitting fire, the sky was blue as ice, I felt a little tired so I watched Miami Vice.”

Well, in the end, I didn't find a song nearly as bad as Dee Dee King. That song is awful. I mean it's bad. Really, really bad.

By the way, you know what song is actually awesome? “David Duchovny” by Bree Sharp. That is passion my friends.

Some other thoughts brought to mind by looking at basically every song I have... has anyone ever seen a movie where John Malkovich makes a clone of himself to send to space? I haven't, but i think it exists. Oh well. Stay tuned for “songs that i have just decided are awesome” and, if i remember in a month or so, “what's the worst song on brian's computer: special holiday edition!”